In the column, which discusses the recent trade of Halladay to the Phillies, Stark had this to say about the former Cy Young winner:

He has been, unquestionably, the best starting pitcher in baseball for the last eight seasons.

I don’t necessarily disagree with Stark about Halladay, but to say that he’s been “unquestionably” the best is grossly overstating the case. When I read this, the first name I thought of was Johan Santana. Here are their numbers from 2002-2009:

Halladay: 130-59, 3.13 ERA, 1260 K, 1710 IP, 1.131 WHIP, 4.10 K/BB, 144 ERA+

Santana: 119-57, 2.89 ERA, 1641 K, 1580 IP, 1.064 WHIP, 4.07 K/BB, 153 ERA+

At first glance, it looks like Santana’s been the better pitcher, although it’s very close and Halladay’s extra 130 innings may be enough to put him ahead. Either way, I think it’s pretty obvious that Halladay is not “unquestionably” the best starting pitcher* of the last eight years.

*It may be possible that Stark is getting cute here, since Santana spent parts of the 2002 and 2003 seasons in the bullpen.

Typo, extreme misunderstanding of WHIP, or have the rules of baseball been made obsolete by this Sidd Finch-esque performance?

“You can’t pitch a perfect game. No one can.” (Awkward silence) “Except Don Larsen.”

And a bunch of other guys. It’s weird that he used Larsen as his example, when Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game three weeks ago.

I did my best to transcribe the segment and make as much sense of it as possible especially since Buck Showalter sometimes has difficulty with the English language (apparently “brains” is not one of the body parts that is scouted). Showalter did most of the driving in this segment and according to him “the stats are the easy part. If you don’t get to see a guy play 20-30 times, you can’t base it on experience so you need other things to look for.” These other “things” are as follows (again, please keep in mind that these were taken from an actual airing of Baseball Tonight and that I did NOT make these up):

Great Legs – You don’t want to see a guy’s thighs this way,

Showalter places his hands by his thighs and stretches them from left to right.

You want to see them wide this way.

Showalter places his hands by his thighs and stretches them from front to back. Buck’s example of a leggy major-leaguer?

Alex Rodriguez, perfection. Very long, stands up to the toll that major league players experience.

Very interesting. Randy Johnson must make up for the lack of thigh muscles by having exceptionally long legs and supple wrists (that will make more sense later on.)

Good/High Butt – That part of the body creates a lot of arm/bat speed. You don’t see a lot of good power hitters or good pitchers that generate arm speed that don’t have a good, high butt on them.

Which player has a good/high butt? Again, here is where all that time showering together in a major league club house is invaluable:

Derek Lee. I don’t want to say he’s got a perfect butt, but when I look at it I say “wow”.

OK. I might actually agree with Buck on that one. In fact, if Derek Lee had boobs he’d look a bit like Tyra Banks.

Back – One thing you look for is a good back with wide shoulders.

Hey Buck, which player has a good back?

Derek Holland. Look at the back on this guy. Perfectly shaped back, small waist, wide shoulders – that’s a good looking back!

At this point the camera shifts above Buck’s waist, presumably because he just went from six to midnight.

Good Face – This is my favorite category.

I think Buck should sit down with Bobby Knight to define “game face.” Which player has a great face?

Orlando Hudson. There’s a sincerity, competitiveness and alertness. The first time I met Derek Jeter he was 18 and I said “wow, what a good face.”

Great – another reason for the collective baseball world to fellate Jeter.

Square Head – I like square heads especially with definition of the jaw line. Albert Pujols – square head. Perfect. That’s the way major league hitters look. The same way scouts don’t like to see hitters in a perfect world have anything other than brown eyes. There are some great blue and green eyed hitters but most of them have brown eyes.

It’s probably more likely because genetically, most people are predisposed to brown eyes. What surprises me is that since Buck was the one that said “stat’s are the easy part” he should already know this: only 16% of American’s have blue eyes.

Supple Wrists

No examples here of player with supple wrists but instead, the opposite.

Mariano Rivera has stiff wrists which is why they made him a reliever. He could never master a breaking ball.

I’m guessing Rivera wouldn’t be any good working at a massage parlor either.

Last but not least they finish off with the non-body part, facial hair and hair:

Full Beard at 18 – Shaves once to twice a day? He’s out. He’s flat-lining! He’s as good as he’s going to be. You see someone who is starting to lose his hair at 18, he’s mature already – you’re looking for upside. Derek Jeter hadn’t shaved in high school when we signed him.

Thanks to Buck’s amazing analysis and the latest in computer generated imagery, nerdbaseball.com is the first to show the world what the paramount baseball player looks like.

Stark has assembled the “The All-Money Player Team,” the selection criteria for which appears to be a player’s clutch hitting ability/postseason performance record. Apparently, Chipper Jones is the starting 3B for the squad, based on his .870 career postseason OPS. That’s a great postseason OPS, but it’s a little less impressive when you consider that Jones’s career regular season OPS is .956 (which, by the way, makes me realize that Jones is much better than I thought he was; this guy is going to the HOF). So Jones is “All-Money” because he’s really good in the postseason, even though he’s significantly worse in the postseason than in the regular season? (By the way, A-Rod’s career postseason OPS is .844, suspiciously close to the “All-Money” benchmark of .870, even though A-Rod is generally considered to be one of the worst postseason performers of his generation).

To find the the starting SS for the “The All-Money Player Team,” Stark ditched the stats altogether, choosing Jimmy Rollins because “Who loves The Big Moment more than this man?” What does that even mean? Is “The Big Moment” a baseball term that I just haven’t heard yet? Also, Rollins’s career postseason OPS is .732. But that doesn’t matter because he loves The Big Moment. Apparently, in order to be “All-Money,” you don’t have to perform well in The Big Moment, you just have to love it. That’s what I told the admissions officer at Yale when I applied during my senior year in high school: “Don’t worry about the fact that I got a 600 on the SATs - what matters is that I loved taking the SATs!” (It didn’t work, which explains why I’m sitting in white sweatpants in my Mom’s basement, writing a snarky article for a baseball blog).

Chase Utley is the starting 2B for “The All-Money Player Team,” which is hard to dispute. However, Stark bestows the honor on Utley because he “hasn’t taken an inning off since birth.” I’m not really sure what that means, especially since Utley has averaged just under 150 games played during his four full seasons in the majors. So it appears that Utley has actually taken off approximately 108 innings each of the last four seasons. Also, isn’t Utley “All-Money” because he’s really, really good at baseball, not because he’s apparently never taken an inning off.

Following the unveiling of the “The All-Money Player Team,” Stark puts together a series of other hypothetical squads, which are actually even more ridiculous than “The All-Money Player Team.” I’ll spare you an analysis of those teams, since I’m sure most readers have already bailed on this post.

And I shouldn’t really give Stark too hard a time. He was probably told by the ESPN.com editors to put together a quirky column for the web site’s MLB Season Preview and this is what he came up with under deadline.

It’s amazing (and impressive) that Bowden was a GM at the tender age of 32, when he took over the Reds following the 1992 season. The wunderkind started off hot, too, with the Reds compiling a solid 224-196 (.533) record from 1993-1995 (two of those seasons were strike-shortened). But other than solid seasons in 1999 and 2000, Bowden’s teams have not fared well. Over his 14.5 years as a GM, which includes 1993 to mid-2003 with the Reds and 2005-2008 with the Nationals, Bowden’s teams are 1101-1181 (.482). In those 15 seasons, Bowden’s squads could muster only one playoff appearance (1995).

It may not be totally fair to lay all of this on Bowden, since the Reds and Nationals have not been particularly well-funded over the years, but it illustrates the willingness of certain teams to put up with mediocrity and, in the case of the Nationals, hire someone who is likely to bring mediocrity with him. Also, all of those poor finishes over the years should have brought Bowden many high draft picks, but the only name that leaps out as a solid pick is Ryan Zimmerman in the 2005 draft (in fairness, there are probably some others, but I don’t have time to do a thorough search right now).

There are only 30 teams in MLB, so there are only 30 GM jobs. It’s a pretty exclusive job and there must be so many talented GM candidates out there. Yet, somehow, Bowden was a GM for nearly 15 seasons. If something isn’t working, it’s time to go in another direction – a lot of MLB teams don’t seem to get that.

As for the Nationals, hopefully they will expand their GM search beyond the usual suspects who have been there before and find someone who can be creative with the limited budget and roster that they have. As noted by Olney, Bowden leaves the Nationals as a team with a great deal of its offensive potential tied up in at least 7 first base/corner outfield types, in a league without the DH. Best of luck to his successor.

Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on the guy: at least he’s a Segway enthusiast.

Most amazing thing I learned from quickly scanning the archives: Lil’ Wayne has considered what his entrance music would be if he were a closer or a batter for a major league baseball team.  What are his selections?  If given one-thousand guesses, I doubt I would’ve guessed either of them…

“I’ve thought about it, and my song would be “Closing Time” by that group Semisonic. You know the one: Closing Tiiiiiiiime. Except I’d just have that loop over and over again “Closing Tiiiiiiime, Closing Tiiiiiiiime” while I came in from the bullpen. And I wouldn’t run to the mound; I’d walk just to soak it all in. And for the away games it wouldn’t matter that I didn’t get to hear my song because I’d hear all the fans booing me and that would be enough to get me going.

I know I’ve told you before I’d use “Purple Rain” by Prince when I went to hit because it puts me a certain mood, and I think it puts everyone in a certain mood like where they just feel good and relaxed. And then BAM I’d hit it out and put them to sleep.”

Did I just read that, or did I somehow get transported into a Luis Bunuel or David Lynch movie?

Thank God for Lil’ Wayne, a truly interesting celebrity.

April 10, 2006

March 21, 2007

It’s been tougher than a $4.99 steak. Got chased by Dobermans eight times. Had to hire five different sticky-fingered third-graders. Broke into the wrong house twice.

But it’s finally done. I’ve been able to retrieve every single MVP award that was wrongfully won by every single suspected ‘roid ranger over the past 20 years. You can see them all shining on the table next to me. Got the stains off them and everything. Now I’m ready to give them to their rightful owners.

I’m tempted to comment on Reilly’s hackneyed Creative Writing 101 lead, but it’s not worth it. I will point out, though, how lucky we all are that Reilly knows exactly which players took steroids and which didn’t, so that he can properly redistribute these MVP awards.

And why not? If Bud Selig can talk about giving Barry Bonds’ phony-as-tofurkey home run record back to Hank Aaron, why can’t we right all the wrongs of the Syringe Binge?

Is Reilly looking to do some term-coining in this column? “‘Roid Ranger” and “Syringe Binge?” Really? Also, is tofurkey really phony? I thought it was actually made of tofu.

Let’s start by bringing former Red Sox Mike Greenwell up to the podium. Greenie lost the 1988 AL MVP to Jose Canseco, who admitted in his book, “Juiced,” that he cheated worse than Rosie Ruiz that year to win it. Canseco even told Howard Stern that Greenwell, now a high school coach in Fort Myers, Fla., “should stop by the house” to pick up the award. No need, Mike! Here it is. Should look sweet on the mantel.

Now this is just lazy. I know Reilly is trying to be cute here with the Rosie Ruiz reference, but it doesn’t make any sense. Ruiz famously cheated in the Boston Marathon in 1980 by entering the race in the last mile and not running the first 25 or so miles (similar to what got caused Geoffrey the butler deported from to flee the U.K. in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air). In 1988, Canseco took steroids, played 158 games, hit 42 home runs, stole 40 bases, and had an OPS+ of 170. So how did Canseco cheat worse than Ruiz? Canseco cheated by taking steroids, but at least he played the games and actually hit the home runs. Ruiz didn’t run 95 percent of the race. The only way that Canseco’s cheating could be comparable to Ruiz’s is if he didn’t play most of the season, somehow hacked into the MLB and Elias Sports Bureau computers like Ferris Bueller adjusting his attendance record, and entered in 40 home runs into the record books that he never hit. Then, he played the last ten games of the season and hit the final two home runs. I know Reilly’s trying to be funny, but at least try to make sense.

By the way, “Greenie” seems like an unfortunate nickname to use in an article about performance-enhancing drugs.

“Man,” Greenwell said when I called him. “I guess I’ll just say it’s been a long time coming. I even remember telling Jose once, ‘Man, I’d love to have your power.’ And he said, ‘Come to Miami and I’ll hook you up!’ But I never did.”

And why not?

“My wife and I were trying to have a baby and she basically said if I went on steroids, she’d kill me.” Now he’s got two boys. Healthy ones.

Is it me, or is the “healthy ones” sentence really weird? Is he implying that the children of steroid users are unhealthy?

(Don’t feel bad for Canseco. We’re replacing the award he never deserved with one he did: the 2005 Pulitzer Prize for general nonfiction. Jose, can you see how much we believe you now?)

Someone better tell Steve Coll. His book, Ghost Wars, which detailed the CIA’s involvement in covert wars in Afghanistan that gave rise to Al Qaeda, actually won that award. You’re right, Rick: Juiced was definitely a more important piece of writing than Ghost Wars.

Step up here, Mike Piazza. The late Ken Caminiti of the San Diego Padres stole your 1996 NL MVP, then admitted he was into more juice than Jack LaLanne. Yes, it’s 13 years late, but the nameplate is new! And here’s yours from 2001, Luis Gonzalez, after you finished behind The Barry Bonds Pharmacy. We won’t even mention the home run title you would’ve won that year.

Reilly is really pushing it with the cheeky comparisons. Tougher than a $4.99 steak; phonier than tofurkey; juicier than Jack LaLanne. I feel like I’m reading Dennis Miller’s Rants.

Now, for the man of the night. I have a U-Haul of hardware here for Jose Alberto Pujols Alcántara of the St. Louis Cardinals. You already have two MVPs, Albert, and you’re about to get three more, since Barry Bonds ripped you off worse than Bernie Madoff to win the award from 2002 to 2004. You hit .335 and averaged 41 bombs those years and yet you finished second behind the clearly creaming Bonds in ‘02 and ‘03, and third behind Bonds and Adrian Beltre in ‘04. We’re throwing out Beltre since, while he denies ever using PEDs, he fell off the face of the planet once baseball put in stricter steroid suspensions in 2005. If he wasn’t cheating, I’m the Queen Mother. And this is history we’re making here. It gives you five MVPs, and nobody else in baseball history now has more than three. Just don’t let us down on this thing, Albert. You know what we’re talking about.

Worse than Bernie Madoff? Really? Pujols missing out on MVP awards is worse than a scumbag bilking $50B from charities and people’s life savings? I care about baseball – probably too much – but this is over the top. 

My favorite part of this paragraph, and what truly reveals Reilly to be a grade-A bonehead, is his argument that Pujols should get all three of Barry Bonds’s recent MVP awards, even though Pujols finished second to Bonds only twice. And Reilly accomplishes this by disqualifying Adrian Beltre’s second place finish in 2004 because “he fell off the face of the planet once baseball put in stricter steroid suspensions in 2005.” Yet, earlier in the column, Reilly awards Bonds’s 2001 MVP award to Luis Gonzalez. In 2001, Gonzalez, at age 33, hit 57 home runs and slugged .688. In 2002, Gonzalez his 28 home runs and slugged .496. In fact, he never hit more than 31 home runs or slugged better than .549 in any other season of his long career and, over the past few seasons, he’s hit more like Luis A. Gonzalez. Beltre’s 2004 season was incredibly anomalous as well, when he hit 48 home runs and slugged .629. His career highs otherwise are 26 home runs and a .482 slugging percentage. But at least Beltre was 25 years old in 2004, so there is a slight chance that his performance was legitimate, as opposed to Gonzalez who mysteriously turned into an unbelievable power hitter for one season at age 33.

Listen, Reilly: you can’t assume Beltre was on steroids, but give Gonzalez a free pass – it’s sloppy and makes you look foolish. If you believe that Gonzalez’s 2001 performance was all natural, then I guess that makes you the Queen Mum (isn’t she dead, by the way?).

Speaking of letting people down, Alex Rodriguez admitted last week he cheated like a Three-Card Monte dealer from 2001 to 2003 as a Texas Ranger. He was the AL MVP in ‘03, stealing it from then-Toronto Blue Jay Carlos Delgado, who finished second. Just to recap: He cheated. He admitted it. He won the MVP. And yet the people who gave Rodriguez the award- the Baseball Writers’ Association of America-decided last week that he could keep it. “It’s [A-Rod's] award to do what he wants with,” BBWAA secretary-treasurer Jack O’Connell told a reporter. “Listen, the wool was pulled over all our eyes. We had an election and those were the guys that won. The awards are theirs.”

Just to recap, Rick, you muddled the timeline. It actually went like this: He cheated. He won the MVP. He admitted it. This is important. In your version, the MVP was awarded after he admitted cheating, which would make taking back the award not as problematic as a retroactive stripping of the award five years later.

Thank God O’Connell isn’t a judge. Yes, you admit you robbed the bank, but what the hell, why don’t you go ahead and keep the cash? Buy yourself something nice.

This is getting embarrassing. It’s like Reilly never mastered analogies. Did they not have the SAT when he was in high school? When someone robs a bank, they intentionally place the teller or bank president or whoever under duress, most likely with a threat of violence, which then induces the individual to turn over the money. In the case of the 2003 MVP award, A-Rod cheated and was awarded the MVP by the baseball writers. I have not heard any allegations that A-Rod threatened the baseball writers with violence, which caused them to award him the MVP. The writers were free to award it to anyone of their choosing and they chose A-Rod. 

Thank God Reilly isn’t a judge. In his courtroom, you can be convicted of robbery if a bank teller gives you extra money just because he/she wants to.

“The awards are theirs”? What is the BBWAA motto: Tread on Us? Shame on O’Connell and every writer who agrees with him. These people let this whole Rage Age go down right in front of their notepads-left it up to Canseco to break the story-and now they’re rewarding them? Coddlers.

Way to throw your colleagues under the bus.

So step right up, Moises Alou, here’s your MVP for 1998, when you finished behind Sammy Sosa and the Dubious Dinger, Mark McGwire. Here’s yours for 2000, Frank Thomas. You were fleeced out of it by admitted ‘roider Jason Giambi.

There you go, gentlemen. Please accept our belated congratulations. And don’t make us regret this later on.

Remember, we know sticky-fingered third-graders.

I love how Reilly rips baseball writers for failing to blow the whistle on steroids, yet he’s so naive that he thinks that there are players from that era that are above suspicion. Reilly’s plan for redistribution of the MVP awards doesn’t work because he’s missing the point. The lesson of the so-called “Steroid Era” and the recent A-Rod outing is that we do not and cannot know who took steroids and who didn’t. If Reilly really feels that justice needs to be done with regard to MVP awards that were awarded to admitted or suspected steroid users, he should argue that no one should get the MVP awards for those years. It’s like he’s being willfully ignorant. If you’re not suspicious of every player of that era, then you’re not paying attention.