As I was halfway out of a third floor window, a co-worker shouted that the Angels were set to pay $21.5 million of the $23 million remaining on his contract. So I shimmied back off the ledge, and ran over to this computer. I had to figure out if maybe this wasn’t that horrible. I mean, $1.5 million over two years could be good, right?

Nope. Just wishful thinking. According to Fangraphs, Matthews has been worth NEGATIVE $5.2 million over the first three years of his contract. He has contributed 1.1 wins WORSE than replacement level over the past three years. He has performed 10.8 runs WORSE than replacement level over the past three years. He’ll turn 36 during the season. Oh wait, and we gave up a leage average releif pitcher for him.

OK, Well, maybe he can just split some time with Angel Pagan in center field, but just until Beltran comes back in May….and if his career trajectory doesn’t turn around, they can dump him with minimal financial loss??? What do you think Omar???

“The fact that we have him for the next two years at a very reasonable price — I think the key for him is just going to be playing time. … I think he might be able to get more playing time here as the year goes on.”

Is there some Matrix-type device I can hook myself into where my body is being used as a battery for alien robots, but in my mind the Mets aren’t incompetent? If not, I’ll settle for the “Eternal Sunshine…” method where the Mets are completely erased from my memory…but I’d prefer not to have to go that far.

In June 2009 baseball terms, what does the number 27 stand for?

a) OPS+ of the typical nerd
b) number of times Tim McCarver has described a bloop single as a “check swing plop job”
c) speed, in miles per hour, that the typical nerd pitcher can throw
d) the TOTAL number of home runs hit by the Mets 25 man active roster.

Sadly, if you answered “d,” you are correct.

10 innings = 30 outs on offense for each team. The game can’t end before you run out of these outs…these outs are valuable baseball commodities.

So can someone please explain why Jerry Manuel called for three (3!) sacrifice bunts? None of these occurred in the 8th/9th innings. Two of these occurred after lead-off doubles, so the runner was already in scoring position with no outs. The other occurred with a man on 1st and one out. All occurred with the struggling, soft-throwing Jamie Moyer on the mound (current ERA 6.11, current WHIP 1.49).

Had all three of these bunts worked as planned, the Mets would have conceded a full inning’s worth of outs. While playing against the team that has scored more runs than any other in the major leagues this season. And having Tim Redding as their starting pitcher (he actually threw a good game last night).

Someone please explain. PLEASE. I must be missing something.

“Waaaaaay back…A blue plate special for the Sheff!”

“The Wright-ing’s on the wall…it’s GONE!!!”

“Make a Wright at the intersection of High and Deep….it’s out of here!”

“DING….DONG….DELGADO!!!”

“Hitting home runs? Omir walk in the park for Santos!!!”

“Carlos Belts-it out!”

“A long fly ball…Murphy’s law: if it CAN go out, it WILL go out!!!”

“Deep to right…he’ll Reyes you to home plate, it’s out of here!”

“Ramon Castro at the plate…oh, and he hits it a ton…it’s gone…another home run for The Dictator!”

“There goes Cas-ti-llo, watch it as it goes!” (Sung to the tune of “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters)

While I’m not much for curses and superstition, I could not have been more depressed to see that my favorite team was picked to win the World Series. I remember when this kind of thing would excite me and give me hope for the season. Now I realize that the same brain trust that wrote this thought that:

1. The Detroit Tigers would win the World Series in 2008 (they finished last)
2. Rick Reilly was a talented writer worth employing for 23 years

If their pick of the Mets to win it all wasn’t upsetting enough, they also managed to observe “The Drill” while not mentioning that it is the most pointless and dangerous waste of time since I smoked PCP and took my unicycle on the NJ Turnpike. Instead, they simply explain the drill,

Shortstop Jose Reyes exhausting himself in a hitting drill during which the batter must take 80 opposite-field swings at 80 machine-fired curveballs in six minutes.

We’ve covered this topic ad nauseam, but I just can’t help myself.

• Problem: Jose Reyes has a low OBP because he swings at too many pitches.
• Solution: Have Jose practice swinging 13.3 times a minute, thereby teaching him patience and plate discipline.

Imagine you are teaching someone how to be a carpenter. Your pupil is very gifted, but is careless with his hammer and often misses the target and nails his hand to his foot. To improve his precision do you:

1. Teach him to relax and focus on guiding the hammer accurately and safely
2. Bring him to Chuck E. Cheese and make him play Whack-A-Mole for 3 hours without a break

If you chose option #2 then you are essentially brain dead and well qualified to be a major league baseball manager.

Amid all the new touches, there was a familiar face. John Franco marched out to deliver the first pitch, peeling off his blue Mets warm-up jacket to reveal a bright red jersey from St. John’s, his alma mater. Franco promptly threw his pitch into the dirt, but the fans applauded him anyway.

It’s nice to see that the pitches Franco throws in retirement are so similar to those he threw during his career.

What’s the most important issue facing the 2009 NY Mets?

a) The health of Santana’s elbow
b) K-Rod’s ability to handle the NY pressure
c) Jerry Manuel’s ability to teach clarity to the players
d) The drill

If you selected a, b, c, or d, you are WRONG!

According to TheWrightStache.com, it’s all about the facial hair (a topic that’s close to our collective hearts here at Nerd Baseball).

Does David Wright hold the key to the Mets’ season on his upper lip? Maybe…but even if he doesn’t, imagine if his 2010 Topps card looked like this!