My goal here is to propose a 4×4 roto league that uses only exciting statistics.  After some comments to account for my obvious omissions, I’ll create the league on Yahoo! (which in itself is pretty exciting with that !).  The winner of the league will be the most exciting nerd, a title for all to envy.  Finally, I’ll name the league the Factorial Cup, after the most exciting mathematical operation (too much?  I thought so, but it’s Nerd Baseball so I’m allowed).

Offense

1. Inside the park home runs

I can’t think of a single baseball event more exciting than inside the park home runs.  They always end with a play at the plate, and the drama of being safe or out.  Of course, there can’t be too many of these over the course of a season, but rarity is a key component of excitement.

2. Triples

Last Summer, I finally made it to Shea.  Jose Reyes led off the bottom of the first, as in 2008 the Mets had not been completely drawn in by the idea of Luis Castillo batting lead-off (one man’s banshee is apparently Randolph’s siren).  Reyes promptly knocked the ball the right field wall, and ended up on third.  As the ball rolled to the wall, with Reyes rounding first, the crowd around me rose and started calling ‘triple! triple! triple! triple!’  Triples are exciting.

3. Stolen bases

If I were a klepto, I would say something about the rush of stealing.  I’m not, so I’ll note that Ocean’s 11 is a very entertaining movie built around the concept of stealing.  Not all thefts are quite so classy, but in the end there’s a certain excitement in stealing a base.  The bigger the risk, the more exciting the theft.  Stealing home = ultimate excitement.  Since we’re going for pure thrill in this league, we of course will ignore the consequences of getting caught.

4. Grand Slams

Nerds should take note that walks are not the way to a woman’s heart.  Grand slams, on the other, hand are.  In a  friend-of-a-friend type situation, I once watched a Red Sox game with two women from El Salvador.  This was in 2007, and Papi was on top of his game.  He came to the plate, bases loaded, and I was told “watch Papi right here.”  Sure enough, he hit the long ball.  What I remember is the way Papi was pronounced; chicks dig the long ball.

Pitching

It turns out that pitching isn’t as exciting as hitting.  Defense has some exciting plays (outfield assists/plays at the plate), but this doesn’t fit into the fantasy baseball format.

1. Perfect games/no-hitters

Perfect games are awesome.  But given that odds are there won’t be one this year, I’m content to count the slightly less exciting no-hitters.  No-hitters are even more exciting when they are attached to a beating cancer situation.  I didn’t realize this at the time, but not only did Lester beat real cancer, he also overcame the enormous burden of having (per Papelbon) figurative-cancerous Manny on his team when he threw his no-hitter.

2. Saves

Saves can be really boring.  A three run save in the ninth inning?  Boring.  Game on the line, one run save?  That is tense.  That is exciting.  Unfortunately, I don’t think I can redefine saves on any of the fantasy baseball sites.

3. Strikeouts

See here

4. The Fastball

Okay, I’m kinda stumped here.  So the best I can do is to say that pitchers who can throw the ball really fast are exciting, so average velocity it is.